Sunday, October 08, 2006

In this Pursuit

In this pursuit of a thing I call a life in Japan, I've overlooked a few things. Existing isn't enough. Living day-by-day isn't enough. Maybe it was the recent abundance of so many foreigners in my neck of the woods, but I've come to realize I'm more alone in this country than I care to admit. I go out, I have fun, I talk to people, but I don't really have anyone, friend or otherwise, who's reliable. I don't really see anyone here I can trust, can call at the spur of the moment, and enjoy being with. And I've realized one reason why this may be is rather disturbing.

Am I the anomaly in this world? Someone who chooses not to take advantage of someone when she's drunk, who doesn't want to drink himself into a stupor? Someone who would rather do something more meaningful than search for pot or get trashed at nightclubs every day? I don't want to be socially awkward, but I feel nothing when I'm out on the town in Hiroshima. I have no joy in filling myself with sake. I don't get drunk, and I don't do drugs. But am I the only one? Am I the outcast, the anomaly in this world, the one who chooses not to conform?

That's what it's all come down to as of late. I feel like this is what people do with their lives, and I'm the one not blending. May be true, may not be true, but that's just how I've seen it. I was totally alone in Alaska because I didn't associate myself with those kinds of people, and, subconsciously or not, I find the same thing is happening in the land of the rising sun.

I know it sounds cliché, but this all comes down to a girl. Well, a lack of a girl. Not even really a girl, just someone who would care. Who'd be willing to care about me as much as I could care about her. I've had that, I've lost that, and I've moved on... to the same situation all over again.

It's not enough that you speak English. It's not enough that we live in the same area. You don't have my interests at heart, and we aren't compatible. Language isn't enough - I know it encourages you to make friends outside your usual social barriers, but it just isn't working for me. I haven't found a matching soul or someone with the same outlook as me since I arrived. With the exception of my brother visiting, I haven't had anything other than superficial dialogue in four months.

Toss all my gaijin social preceptions out the window - English isn't enough.
Meaningless sex is by definition - meaningless. Worse than meaningless.
It's less important to have many friends and more important to have real ones.
Your social standards are muscles - use them or lose them forever.
These things are true to me, but lately, I feel they mean nothing to anyone else.

You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
You're nobody 'til somebody cares.
You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.

Think about it.


Diem said...

First off.
No, your are not an 'anomaly'. Even in your age bracket, you only percieve yourself as the odd one out because of the people who make up your perception of 'everyone else.'
For every guy or girl drunkenly swaggering to the bar for another drink, theres one sitting at home wondering if they are strange because getting pissed and screwing strangers isn't what they want to do.
I like a fun night out with friends involving alcohol. But not too often, I prefer music, comedy, film, literature, games etc etc.
And all my real friends are the same.
You're completely right.. I think you do need a real friend, who you can count on and trust.
But that happens over time, you might seem like polar opposites on first meeting, share almost no interests, but for the relationship to develope you have to keep at it. Time is what makes the connection.
No one 'needs' a girl, but everyone needs someone they can trust and rely on.
I wonder what you meant though when you said, "Your social standards are muscles - use them or lose them forever."
Do you think people judge /you/ by the strenght of your muscles, rather than the quality of your character, and the kindness in your heart?
The song you quoted I think is certainly true. But it's not aimed at you, but at those who believe that gold will bring them happiness.
"You're nobody 'til somebody loves you"
The most important person who will ever love you, is you. And the rest will follow.

ターナー said...

I should point out something important - these are lingering feelings. They don't last. Whereas one person might idly feel this way at some point in their day, I do, and choose to focus on this feeling for some clarity. It makes me pensive rather than depressed.

That's not what I'm talking about with "muscles" - I'm staying you need to enforce the idea of what you want your friends to be.

I happen to disagree about the girl.

Skippy-san said...

If you can't find a girl in Japan, you are not looking hard enough. Dating here is easier than clubing baby seals.

On one level I sort of understand you, i kind of felt the same way as you did when I first came here. Difference was, that I indulged myself in meaningless sex to forget about. Which, truth be told, was a heck of a lot of fun(and good for my mental health in other ways.....).

The thing here is that ypou can meet girls on all levels till you find the one that clicks with you. It may take time, but it still is easier than putting up with the attitude of western women.

Of course then again, the only real friend you ever have is yourself........the rest is in degrees.

ターナー said...

Oh, I can find girls easily enough, that's not a problem. Nor was it really a problem back in Texas. I've always had issues with finding a quality woman. I don't go for one night stands.

Yeah, I know some people think that way, but meaningless sex doesn't fill the void for me, it burns it wide open.

What are you talking about, "attitudes of western women"? I don't care where you come from, a woman's a woman, there are always going to be differences in personality.

Good point.